Fighting the Urge

My biggest fear in life is failure, and lately it feels like all I've been doing lately is failing left and right. The thing is my definition of failure is a lot more strict than others, I am very hard on myself, because I expect nothing less than perfection from myself, because I know what I am capable of. I have done pretty good so far in life but now, not so much. I failed at teaching, I failed at becoming a mother, I'm a failure at being a good wife, and now I am a super failure at my current job. And the worst part is, for the majority of my failures I don't know where I went wrong, so I don't know how to prevent it from happening again, so it keeps happening. For me it seems like the only way to get out of this cycle is to just end it. I haven't had this type of urge to die in a long time. I've had thoughts, but not really urges. I keep thinking about all the different ways I could kill myself, and even if I didn't work the first time, I wouldn't have to go to the next day because I would be in observation. It would be so easy to find some medication or sleeping pills, and just down them. My husband keeps all the sharp objects away from me, because he knows I cut, so that's out, and we don't own a gun and that would be too messy, and I don't want to leave a huge mess for my family to have to clean up, and I don't want it to be so obvious to outsiders that I killed myself, so it would have to be clean and hidden, but pills are so ineffective. I wish I could just be hit by a car, or shot in crossfire or something like that so then it could look like an accident. I just really want to stop this whole failing thing and it just really seems like death is the only way out. I really just want to die and be done with it all....