So there has been a lot going on, and I'm not very good at letting it all out. So here goes. I am one of those people that you love to hate. I am depressed, suicidal, a self mutilator, etc, but it seems like whenever I try and say how I'm feeling everyone is like "what, you depressed? What do you have to be depressed about? You have a job, a husband, you are smart (oh thats one I love...) etc" Well let me break it down for you. Let's start with "smart". For you to understand why I think I'm not smart you need to know a little bit about my family. I am the second oldest of 6 kids. My older brother is a genius, literally, his IQ is 160, he knows just about everything there is to know about history, oh yeah and to top it all off he works for the FBI. One of my other brothers is the other half to my older brother's brain. Where my older brother is English and History, my other brother is Science and Math. He is a freshman in high school taking Algebra2/Trig, and advanced chemistry. Last time we checked his IQ it was 166 (high genius), and he's a freshman. and last but not least.. My wonderful cousin who just turned 20 and is graduating from college.... with his masters. So in comparison to the rest of my family... I'm not smart. My IQ is 140, I have a college degree, but it's not doing me any good because while my brother works for the FBI, I work at Target getting yelled at by people who don't understand why they can't return something that they bought a year ago. Which brings me to my next point, my job. Yes I have a job, so I should count myself lucky. But I have worked my ass off for the past year getting to where I am and trying to go higher up the chain. let me remind you now I have a college degree, I make 4 cents an hour more than a senior in high school who is three positions lower than I am... and I am constantly doing my manager's job, and getting yelled at for not getting people to do something that I have no control over. I went  to school to be a teacher. I love teaching, I love spending time around kids, that is one time when I am really truly happy, but alas I work in retail. cleaning up people's shit... literally. Which brings us back full circle to my husband. My husband is the only good thing I have in my life, and he's a strong influence on me. If I didn't have my husband I would have killed myself a long time ago. He is the reason why I only feel like I want to kill myself and not actually try again. He just sometimes doesn't understand where I am coming from. He gets mad when he sees cuts on me so I have to place them strategically so he doesn't freak out on me. and I can't do it as often as I want, so I have to resort to other ways. When I say I wish I was dead he freaks out, I wish and I'm going to are two different things. The other thing is he's a fixer. So when he can't "fix" me he feels like a failure which hurts me because I caused that. I take things personally, which I know is bad, and I'm working on it, but it's hard to fix something that has been 25 years in the making. So to wrap things all up, yes I am depressed and all that other junk, and yes people think that I have all my shit together, but that's part of the mask. The problem is when the mask is so worn out it starts to fall apart, it's not pretty. And that's about where I am right about now...