Thoughts

So it's been a while since I have written, but oh well. So I feel like my body is playing tricks on me, and I don't know how to deal with it. I haven't had my period since December and it's already the middle of March, and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant so you'd think that oh if you haven't had a cycle in three months you'd be pregnant but you'd be WRONG! I have taken several pregnancy tests and they have all come up negative it's very frustrating. Its so hard and maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know, I just really wish I knew what the fuck was going on with me

Pissed like no other

I get so pissed at my husband. I swear sometimes I feel like I married a rock, he is such an idiot! He hasn't read a book in 5 years! Yep that's right hasn't read any book except for game manuals cover to cover in 5 years! On top of it all he is so stubborn, and all of his stupid mistakes seem to cost a fucking lot of money! I'm so tired of it all, I just wish he would get over himself and and listen to other people! When I try and tell him something is a bad idea, he says "i'll take care of it" $150 later, he sure fucking took care of it and we are no better off than before, as a matter of fact we are worse off because the answer was still the same except we now owe some stupid bitch $150 for telling us shit we already knew! I'm so tired of all this manly caveman bullshit. Me man care for you woman, penis good, brain bad...  GRRRRRR!!! I just want to scream and rip his fucking arrogant face off!

He'd rather have his hand than me.

I don't think I have ever been so angry at myself! So since I miscarried, I've been trying to get pregnant again, for the first month or so I felt ewww so I didn't really feel like having sex, but since late November I have been trying to get him to have sex with me every so often. This past week I've been trying everyday, and I always got the excuse "I'm just really tired.. blah blah blah" Well I finally got him to give it a go, and after almost a half hour at it, he still hadn't gone... So I finally asked him, when the last time he got himself off, an low and behold he said yesterday... one of the many days I had been trying to have sex with him. But I suppose He would rather jack off to some half naked animated chick with boobs 4 times the size of her waist. and I mean why not right? If I wasn't so disgusting maybe I'd have a shot with him, but since I'm so fucking huge and the only time he'll even do it with me he has to close his eyes, well I guess I deserve to be the second choice. I mean seriously wouldn't everyone else rather have pretend sex with some fictional hottie than some real life pile of shit? My husband sure does.

Arrogant Piece of.....

So I figured that I am a complete asshole... Here I am thinking that my life sucks and then, I talk to some of my friends and then I feel like a complete asshole! Sure I don't exactly have the best house situation and I have a few little minor issues at home. But as soon as I talk to other people I feel like an arrogant piece of shit. Whenever I feel like I'm in real deep there is always someone who is in deeper than I am, then I feel even worse about myself.. and here I go again, saying how I'm such an asshole, and talking about myself... GOD I HATE THIS!!!

Furry Friends

So I've been thinking that to help curb the baby fever I should get a furry friend, either a puppy or kitten. My husband doesn't wan to get a kitten because he says kittens turn into cats, and he doesn't want a cat. I just need some sort of control in my life, I feel like I'm in a crazy limbo of my life right now, and I don't have control over anything in my life, I think that having the control to add a furry new addition to our family would be just the perfect fit. I just hope everything works out, and my husband will help me with through this crazy limbo!

Beer goggles

Sometimes I wish that I had beer goggles on every time I look at myself. I've been trying really hard to eat right, and I've been going to the gym, and it just seems like I'm just getting fatter. It's so frustrating because I'm so freaking huge, and it just seems like everything I try to do to make myself more attractive aka thinner, isn't working... I'm just getting fatter! and to top it all of my husband wont have sex with me, so I'm not getting pregnant either. I'm so freaking sick and tired of this all! I just wish that I can be the size 3 I was in high school, what the fuck happened to me! I used to be skinny and cute and smart. Now I'm just fat, ugly, and stupid. I just wish I could go back to that size 3 girl I used to be real fast, I'm so sick of being disgustingly fat. I'd do just about anything to get back to being skinny right about now... I hate myself....

Freaking whatever

So lately I've felt so lost and confused about what I should be doing in life. It just seems like anything I try to doesn't work out. Its so freaking frustrating! And then I feel like a complete ass hole when I hear about someone else who's plans didn't work out. So then I look back at myself and it seems so crazy that I feel bad that I was complaining about my life. I mean its not like I don't have a job or house or anything else like that. At least I have a job, a place to live and a nice husband. Its so freaking frustrating but whatever. I'm just so over it, and my husband is doing his stupid Japanese anime porn thing again. He watched these stupid anime shows with girls who have no waist and huge boobs, with almost nothing covering them. How am I supposed to compete with this....

One of his favorites called Witchblade... which has this totally awesome story line or so he says, now if you ask him whats its about all he says is there is this lady who is chosen to wield the witchblade... totally awesome story line....